“It’s not about catching bugs. It’s about catching egos slipping.”
— Probably You
Welcome to the wild world of pull request reviews — where the true game isn’t fixing code, it’s flexing on your teammates until they question their entire existence. Let’s be real: collaboration is great and all, but have you ever felt the power of a perfectly vague "Hmm..." dropped on a Friday afternoon?
Let’s break down the sacred rituals that make up the Art of the PR Ego — your guide to dominating reviews while contributing as little actual code as possible.
🪙 Step 1: Install Confidence v0.0.1-alpha
If you've deployed anything recently — congrats, you're now qualified to critique everyone else’s work. Speak in collective terms like “we usually” or “we prefer,” even if “we” is just you and your houseplant. Bonus points if you read a blog post about clean code in 2018 and still reference it like scripture.
🧾 Step 2: Define the Standard (and Change It Constantly)
The rules? Unwritten. The expectations? Flexible. The feedback? Opaque.
Sample move: “This isn’t how we usually structure this.”
Translation: “I made this up just now but I’m saying it like it’s doctrine.”
👁️ Step 3: Be Everywhere, Tag No One
Watch every PR like it owes you money. Drop in on threads you weren’t invited to, and leave vague comments like “Still reviewing…” without ever circling back. Use phrases like “Just circling back on this” to assert quiet dominance.
🌫️ Step 4: Cultivate Mystery
Speak in riddles. Be the Sphinx of source control.
- “Hmm.”
- “Interesting approach…”
- “I’m not sure this scales.” (Even if it’s a two-line helper function.)
The less they understand, the more power you hold.
⌛ Step 5: Strike Only When It Hurts Most
The ideal comment timing:
- After they’ve addressed all feedback.
- After internal stakeholders approved it.
- Right before they go on PTO.
Hit them with: “Have you considered a different approach?” and walk away like a code Gandalf.
🧠 Bonus Boss Move: Block on Lint
CI passed? Doesn’t matter. You saw a semicolon. Block the merge. Demand a style refactor for a style guide that doesn’t exist.
“Can you remove this semicolon to match our guidelines?”
(What guidelines? Shhh.)
👑 Mastering the Art of PR Commentary
“True mastery is saying nothing while sounding profound.”
— Ancient Review Sorcery
It’s not what you say, it’s how ambiguously you say it. Here's how to hit hard without actually being helpful:
💬 Power Phrases:
| Phrase | Actual Meaning |
|---|---|
| “Curious — why this approach?” | I think this sucks. |
| “Nit: spacing.” | I’m watching you. Always. |
| “Interesting.” | I disapprove but fear confrontation. |
| “This feels off.” | I have no concrete feedback. |
| “Have you considered...” | I haven’t, but now you must. |
🧊 Non-Blocking, Emotionally Devastating
Say it's non-blocking, but make it soul-crushing:
- “Totally non-blocking, but I wouldn’t ship this.”
- “Happy to approve if you address the above.” (There was no ‘above.’)
- “You can leave it for now... but tech debt.”
🤡 Bonus Round: Comment Templates to Confuse and Dismay
- “Was this tested?” ← Make them re-run everything.
- “What’s the rationale?” ← They will now write an essay.
- “Could we avoid recursion?” ← You skimmed this function 3 seconds ago.
🎯 TL;DR: The Code Doesn’t Matter. The Performance Does.
- Never directly approve.
- Never directly solve.
- Speak in riddles.
- Delay strategically.
- Obstruct with elegance.
Because in the end, it’s not about pushing code — it’s about pushing buttons.
👑 Long live the PR King.
Top comments (1)
This is equally funny and painfully accurate! 😅 Looks like you had a real bad personal experience. 💀