Dear recruiters,
Thank you for letting me know about the exciting / fantastic / other overused expletive you use to describe your opportunity. I'm repeatedly thrilled to learn that you don't understand my resume, job experience or the industry you're recruiting for at all, and dodge inquiries to test your understanding of the job by asking me counter questions.
I am happy that you decide to reach out to me with a brief description to get me interested, but fail to tell me anything about the company or the work I'd supposedly be doing. No, really, please keep sending me spam about your exciting opportunities. I love the fact that you're a middleman when I could be better spend my time wowing a potential employer rather than jumping through your hoops. I feel great knowing you get a placement bonus if I am offered and accept a job, when secretly you regard me as mere meat for the grinder.
I'm delighted you have chosen to add my profile to your internal database of candidates without my consent, and that the security of your system is worse than the PERL code I wrote in my teens. No, it's fine, please keep a database of my prior addresses, financial information and phone numbers.
Moreover, I'm still happy to work with you despite spending twenty years in this industry and not a single blasted time being placed by you or anyone of your ilk. Trying to get me to accept a lower salary than I am worth puts a smile on my face, and I would love it if you continued.
Oh, and if I say I'm not interested in an opportunity - however exciting - I would be more than happy to send you my Rolodex of developers I've worked with; I'm certain that they'll enjoy being headhunted, contacted out of the blue, and otherwise spammed regardless if they're happy with their current employment or not.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You bottom-feeding parasites are a much cherished benefit to my industry, and I look forward to doing the same song and dance with you in the future.
Charmingly Yours,
-Ryan
Authors Note: This post is designed for humour only, and not intended to devalue technical recruiters, be inflammatory or cause deep discussions about recruiters in your province/state/country/city.
Top comments (0)