I was told it's not discrimination

About a month ago, I left the company that I’d worked for for almost seven years. A company that I once considered my family. In a position that I loved, that both challenged me and fulfilled me. As a lead for a team of engineers that left me in awe daily with their passion, intelligence, and camaraderie.

I plan to share more of my story soon, but for now I’m going to share this small part that is the culmination of the last two years (although the word “small” is probably a disservice to the profound way that it’s affected me and will forever affect me).

I’m scared to share this. Of how I’ll be perceived. Of how other people will be perceived. Of how it may impact my career. But the fact that I’m so scared is just a reminder of why it’s so important that I share it. Countless other people, especially women, have been the object of hostile behavior and discrimination in the workplace. And they’re scared to talk about it because they’ve been dismissed and their concerns minimized.

This is what happened to me. I faced hostile behavior for two years, along with what I understand to be discrimination based on the law. My concerns were sometimes met with validation, but most often met with excuses and arguments.

One example is a peer review that I received from a male coworker during our annual reviews. My manager went over the review with me and told me that the coworker was glad our engineering team had a female lead (me). But that I’m too quiet and self-deprecating, and the coworker is concerned that it’s setting a bad example for our other female engineers, and that I should be a more outspoken and confident lead for our women. I told my manager that I disagreed with my coworkers’s assessments, and my manager told me he believed me and doubted that what my coworker said is accurate. But my manager went on to tell me that I still need to respect my coworker’s feedback and opinions, because that is his reality, even if it’s not accurate. What I took away from this is that I need to respect a person’s warped and sexist views of me. I don’t know any other way to take it. (There was a male lead on our team who actually self-deprecates often, and my guess is he didn’t receive a review saying he needs to be a better lead for our male engineers.)

After several mental breakdowns, I decided it was time to leave the company. I made a formal report of discrimination soon after I left. Two days ago, I received this letter from the company with their findings. They didn’t find information to support any discrimination.

Obviously, I disagree with their findings since I made the report in the first place. But I’m not writing this post and sharing this letter in hopes that it will change the outcome - I know it won’t. I’m writing this because too many people are scared to share their experiences and truths. I spent the last two years feeling isolated, doubting my experiences and perception of reality. And it will take time and therapy to undo those false narratives that play in my head.

My hope is that if someone reads this who is experiencing something similar, you know you’re not alone. That your experiences and concerns are valid. And that you have at least one person on your side, me.

Note: I know that discrimination is a serious allegation, and I didn’t make the report lightly. I’m also working with the EEOC to file a charge.